Fifty Shades of Beige
The climatic film in the trilogy has been released and finally watched. I was putting off watching the conclusion to this abysmal series, the seconds of my life seemed too valuable. But here we are. A couple of hours of my life spent and while Fifty Shades Freed may have featured a happy ending, I did not.
For all the things that could have, nay should have happened within these films I’ve come away feeling a few things. One, some people don’t do well being billionaires. And two, nothing really happens over the course of any of the Fifty Shades trilogy. Sure there’s a little bit of drama here and there. The big plot devices feel thrown in and there’s no real character development, so I’m still not sure as to what the point of the story was.
A lot of people give credit to Fifty Shades for awakening their inner lust. Apparently the genre appealed to the middle age women who had a lot of pent up angst and arousal. That thought alone is terrifying. If there are people who were genuinely aroused and aspired to this sort of sexual interaction then I sincerely hope they don’t breed.
Freed of Sex
Freed starts off with the couple getting married then eloping on their honeymoon. This is all very beige and happy, for their standards at least. This is rudely interrupted when a man sabotages a server in the Grey building so they have to quit their honeymoon, oh no.
Fast forward a fair bit as nothing really happens and Anastasia is pregnant. Christian isn’t a happy man now. The antagonist makes more appearances and the film ends with a conflict. This is the basic summary of the film.
So for those wondering if the Freed in the title is referring to Anastasia escaping this absolute maniac I’m afraid you’ll be mistaken. Freed is the complete contrast of what either character is at the end of the film. Are either free from an abusive relationship? No, apparently that wouldn’t be romantic. Are they even more weighed down than at the start? Christ, yes.
With the obvious shunting in of a pregnancy, to complete this delusional idea of ‘relationship goals’ a number of questions arise:
- If they’re sex life revolves around BDSM, how will either partake in it now she’s pregnant?
- What is there relationship besides sex? The books/ films themselves consist of roughly 40% sex. If these are the highlights of their life then what will they do without it, it’s not like they embark on meaningful conversations?
Obviously Christian doesn’t want to have a baby and I shit you not his reason was because he “doesn’t want to share” her. I can agree with wanting to at least share some memories before settling down, but stating that it’s only because he doesn’t want to share is just dull. Why didn’t they talk about this stuff before getting married?
Let’s move away from that headache and onto the villain. The audience finds out that he didn’t only tamper with the server; he was the architect of the helicopter crash in Fifty Shades Darker. Where this mastermind learned the mechanics of a helicopter and knew how to sneak into a billion dollar company’s server room and hack/ blow it up is beyond me. Surely a person with these skills could have earned a decent living on their own.
On the flip side, I suppose when your two protagonists are abusive people you need an over the top villain to make them seem more appealing. In the battle the audience learns, to nobody’s surprise, that the antagonist’s motivation was of course boring. It turns out all this was due to jealousy over not being picked by the foster family who chose Christian. If only he had some skills to put to use to make a living.
In my not so humble opinion I had a better villain they could have used. It would have been more intriguing to have the antagonist as the paedophile, Elena, from Fifty Shade Darker. At least that way some character growth could have occurred. This would allow Christian and Anastasia ‘dominate’ the woman who’s governed Christian his whole life. It would also allow Anastasia to become less submissive and cryptically boring. She would have actually accomplished and overcome something.
A Slap in the Face
Right, back to the boring version. The audience reaches the conclusion of this elaborate plot. The antagonist has Anastasia, so he does what any bizarre nemesis does to show domination over a victim; he slaps her. He slaps Anastasia twice then kicks her and is promptly stopped soon after and taken away.
This demonstration of monolithic power and genius causes her to get knocked out and hospitalised. Struck down by the flimsiest of slaps. She ends up in A&E as extra drama is needed. What about the kick you ask? Well don’t worry she doesn’t lose it, though that kick probably would have terminated the thing.
This again is just so retarded that it feels like the film is trying to torture me! The entire Fifty Shades trilogy has been about “BDSM”. Anastasia would have experienced being slapped, and more, if Christian is as dominant as the film claims. So how does this work, wouldn’t you be able to take a slap by now? It makes no fucking sense!
No Longer Bound
All in all, I’m glad this series is over. I sincerely hope all those involved find it hard to get work again as there was nothing about this franchise which helped anyone in the story of the audience grow.
It is a completely insignificant film that accomplishes nothing. There are terrible films that have been made which feature aspects of something good. Hell, even terrible movies can at least teach you something but this, this crusty stain was less titillating than a soggy biscuit.